Reach for What You Want!

Madeleine l’Engle said

“I frequently write about myself because that’s how I discover who I am…”

I can honestly say that I am not the heroine of this particular book. But writing her story...yes, I suppose I did learn something about myself. I am not Jackie—among other things, she’s far more driven than I—but her story is one I really, really, really wanted to share with the world. Enough to overcome my usual reluctance to venture forth from my garret; enough to make me do whatever I had to, to see it published properly. Which is a story I shall not be sharing, thanks very much. Enough to say

I wanted it. So I reached. And at last—

Here it is. Within your virtual grasp.

You have no idea how it feels to be able to say that!

As always, peace and x-rated joy,

pxj

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Plant Porn, Anyone?

I kid you not, artist Jonathan Keats has created pornographic film for plants. That’s right, his intended audience is vegetable, not just between the ears but entirely. Houseplants, to be exact. I giggled my way through the first few paragraphs of this article, already planning the jokes I could craft into a post, but then I hit this line:

"It is very boring but that is part of the essence of pornography, that it is very repetitive," he said.

And all of a sudden, I’m not quite laughing anymore. Of course, this is the same artist behind the “God in a petri dish” bit some years ago, so perhaps that was his intent. Shame I missed his honeybee ballet!

pxj

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“Enormous interest” in safer sex!

My latest nominee for the Nobel, in lieu of any other sufficently prestigious Practical Genius award: Futura Medical Plc. Yes, once again, it’s Condom News—and this news made me sit up and take notice, as, I’m sure, it will do for a whole lot of men out there.

See, they’ve developed a condom with benefits tailored for the male psyche as well as his physiology. Yes, gentlemen, this condom helps men have “firmer and bigger erections, as well as a longer-lasting sexual experience.” And didn’t you all just sit up and take notice at that?!

Plans are for Durex to market the CSD500 condom—presumably under some much sexier name—beginning next year. In Europe, that is; as yet, no news concerning US market penetration. (If you’ll pardon the phrasing. Or even if you won’t.) And according to their market research, as well as common sense, this thing is going to be big! (Um, that pun wasn’t intended.)

Market research has shown so far that interest in the condom is enormous, Barder said.

"Up to 80 percent of existing condom users would be interested in trying the product and, more importantly, 49 percent of non-condom users would be interested in using it as it will help them maintain an erection," he said.

The above emphasis is mine, but I’m sure you all understand why. Finally, a condom that men who don’t like condoms will still want to use! It’s just...brilliant. Genius. My little sapiosexual heart’s beating overtime just at the thought. Oh, I want to meet the person who thought of this! Meet...for a start.

pxj

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Thin body, fat head

(Been under the weather lately, and feeling rather lumpish. But this got me stirred up!)

The card read “PLEASE DON’T FEED THE FAT PEOPLE”

????!!!!

There’s nothing so offensive as a vociferous convert. Or so completely indefatiguable, more’s the pity. So here’s this man, who was unhappily fat, who’s now thin-and-proselytizing—actually, by the stats, I’d say overly thin and overzealous—and who does he target? Happy “fat” people.

He chose to protest outside the 11^th Annual BBW Network Bash. With that card. Fits with the rest of his message—his organization’s emblem reminds me a lot of the “No Fat Chicks” buttons the guys wore back in high school. Regardless of how one happens to feel about size acceptance versus obesity (and why is that the question, anyway?), there’s something to be said for simple kindness and courtesy!

Apparently, all those words failed to “penetrate his skin.” Personally, I’d like to see if they could be helped along by a sharp object or two. Or sharp blows from a blunt object, even. Or being sat upon by one of my larger friends. Though my grandmother might have the right of it: she’d diagnose his problem as hunger or low blood sugar or grumpiness, and feed him a cookie or three.

Please don’t let the fat-head get your goat; you never know what a man might do with one of them.

pxj

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On View Right Now

Had sort of a mixed week, so here’s a mixed bag of a post—things I’ve seen that made me smile or think or go hmm. Call it a look inside what I use for a mind...which is as much of a warning as you’re going to get. Enjoy!

Everything Old is New Again

Advice from the CDC: Do It In Your Sleeve. (Sneeze, that is.) Of course, no one remembers that the reason men’s jackets have those useless buttons on the cuffs was to prevent this “uncivilized” behavior... Somehow, that thought led me to history and styles of men’s underwear—yes, well, do remember what I write! —where I discovered that here, too, progress is sometimes cyclical.

And, hey, how’s this for a segue? Underwear between the covers: in the old days when people actually read paper books , that paper was made from rags. Not exactly breaking news, nor terribly archaic (I print my vita on linen bond paper when I want to impress someone), but still good for a smile. Especially the comments—man, those science types can snark!

The Light! It Blinds

That had to hurt The phrase “blinding flash of the obvious” comes to mind here: Networks admit that taking the show (Jericho) off the air might have hurt ratings! I thought this made a logical follow-up to old-and-new as these long-arc shows have a fair bit in common with the old radio plays and early television, but that mid-season hiatus is something Grandda et confreres would never, ever have pulled. Nor dear ol’ Boz and his ilk (just to bring things home to print). Ever feel like we’re on a treadmill, or is it just me?

Vocabulary-Building, Anyone?

Best new word I've seen in ages:
sapiosexual. N. One who finds intelligence the most sexually attractive feature.

Now and then, one does need a word Websters et al haven’t gotten around to indexing. This suggestion came with what might as well have been a love poem directed at Your Humble Hermit—

"I want an incisive, inquisitive, insightful, irreverent mind. I want someone for whom philosophical discussion is foreplay. I want someone who sometimes makes me go ouch due to their wit and evil sense of humor. I want someone that I can reach out and touch randomly. I want someone I can cuddle with.

I decided all that means that I am sapiosexual."

by Mr M. Ister May 26, 2004

Now tell me that isn’t perfect?! And, oh, "Reach Out and Touch Someone." Speaking of segues...but that can wait. Hope your weekends—and your lives generally—are filled with peace and x-rated joy

pxj

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A bonus link so that the DVD-watchers won’t miss it—

Wish fulfillment as advertising! Because everyone has that memory, of some parental unit dragging out some embarrassing family memory...

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Don’t know about you, but that wouldn’t be good for me...

And you thought “every flavor” beans were bad! How ’bout condoms flavored like rotten Limburger and burnt sugar? Read on...

I’ve been accused of having rather a greater interest in condoms than is quite normal. Might be true—normal’s never been my goal in life. But I swear, I was not seeking condom info today. It’s just that my RSS feeds offered an article on a San Diego building that simply begged to be the spur for a host of bad jokes.

And it reminded me of this photo, that I’d seen online but apparently neither saved nor bookmarked—hey, who knew I’d ever need the thing? Besides, I knew it’d be out there somewhere. So I sent my search-bots out into the aether.

My first search for that photo turned up an archived news-byte (photo not stored); I got to this part—

[Picture] - SAFE FLAVOUR: A businessman giggles after a model hands him a free durian-flavoured condom in Bangkok yesterday, World Aids day. Condom maker Suretex said it would distribute 100,000 of them to create more awareness about Aids prevension and of course, to boost business.

—and I squicked. Durian?

If you don’t know durian, consider yourself lucky. This theoretically edible “thorny fruit” has such a strong aroma that it’s banned from airports in some countries, and taxi drivers will refuse to accept passengers who are carrying or have recently come into contact with the things. I’m told that they’re an acquired taste, but you’ll have to take that on faith; it’s not a taste I’m ever going to acquire.

Not even in the interest of safer sex.

One of the less biased descriptions of the fruit says:

“The durian, although malodorous, has an aril (an extra seedcovering) that tastes like a combination of banana, caramel, and vanilla, with a slight onion tang.”

Yummy—not! And I thought the banana-flavored condoms were in poor taste!

Okay, fine, I’ll shut up, go write or something.

Peace and (safe) x-rated joy,

pxj

Bonus condom news:

Did you know there’s a company making “the world’s first touch-free male condom”? I know that sounds silly, but for some segments of the population, there’s actually some health benefit possible. 1) Harder to put it on wrong. 2) If your hands aren’t clean...

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Screamingly Funny...Fruit?

The tag line read “Who Knew Fruit Could Scream?” and I was caught.

Way back in a former life (that is, before I became a hermit) my job required that I follow advertising. Though it's no longer all that much of my life beyond the occasional inevitable bit of self-promotion, now and again I see an ad worth comment. Like

Sliced: the Movie.

It tickled my funny bone. More than that, it earned itself a place in my memory.

Ads are judged successful only if they influence customers to purchase, to look for, to remember the product/brand name, or at least to think better of the product than they would have before—so a lot of ads have to be called failures despite their undeniable energy and a certain creativity. (Yes, Spritzy, I mean you!)

This, on the other hand, I'd say has to be at least a qualified success. Not that I'd drink strawberry-orange-banana hard lemonade if the alternative was some other sort of physical torture , but I was interested enough to seek out the list of other varieties—hint: click the bottle—and I will be looking for this stuff, next time I'm anywhere it might be sold.

I'll be looking for more work from this agency, too, regardless of the product. Hmm. Wonder if they do book ads? I don't like book trailers, as a general rule—the good ones impose defined visuals on my reading experience, and the bad ones just annoy me—but, man, a book-trailer like this, I might.

Fade in: a multi-line telephone, message light malevolently blinking...

Voiceover: Will she Reach Out and Touch Someone before it's TOO LATE?

Um, yeah. Then again, maybe not.

As always, wishing you

peace and x-rated joy,

pxj

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